Well, as fair warning, this post is going to pretty much focus on my vasectomy. As of right now, I’m not sure how descriptive I’m going to get with this entry but, just in case, if ye be squeamish at all, you might want to skip this one.
So, here I sit with an ice-pack on my man-parts recovering from my first operation ever. My vasectomy was this morning at 8:00. We were running a bit behind schedule dropping Little “L” off at daycare so I had to make the father-to-childcare-provider child-handoff much quicker than usual. I felt awful. I had been away for work from Monday morning until yesterday evening and Little “L” really missed me. This morning, Little “L” did not want to let go of me. He had his arm wrapped tight around my neck and I had to literally push him off me. “And the award for worst father of the year goes to…” I know that wasn’t the case but it felt like it.
After successfully removing the toddler from my person, the rest of us hurried off to the hospital. We showed up at 7:56, a whopping four minutes early. Nice. Ladyshark dropped me off at the door so I could run in to get the paperwork started while she parked the car.
Within a half-hour I was on my way into the operating room where I was reacquainted with “Doctor” whom I had met back in February, AND introduced to the urology intern, “Intern”, who was going to be observing the operation. “Intern” was, of course — you guessed it — young, female and not unattractive… great. Well, I had to shave for the occasion so, at least I was all prettied-up for the awkward introduction…
Doctor: “Steelie, this is ‘Intern’. She’ll be observing the procedure today.”
Intern: “Hi.”
Steelie: “Hi, nice to meet you. Is this your first vasectomy?”
Intern: “Yes, it is!”
Steelie: “Hey, cool. Me too.”
Everyone chuckled. The moment suddenly felt far less awkward.
Now I’m laying on the operating table under the standard blue hospital sheets with only essential bits exposed. “Doctor” proceeds to inject the local anesthetic into said “bits” which burned a bit. I’m completely okay with needles so, this part was no big deal. Within seconds, the area was numbed and “Doctor” broke out the cutting device — it looks like a soldering iron but cuts and cauterizes the skin at the same time. This allows for small discreet incisions
and very minimal bleeding. Couldn’t feel a thing. I appreciated that.
Steelie: “So, if I’m going to sneeze, I should probably warn you?”
Doctor: [stops cutting] “That would be a good idea.”
Steelie: “Okay. Just checking.”
Intern: [laughs]
I know… I’m a f’idiot. I couldn’t help it.
“Doctor” resumes his work and is explaining the entire procedure to “Intern”. I really want to know what’s going on but now “Nurse” (the obvious distraction tactic) was talking my ear off about what I can expect in terms of discomfort once I get home. Useful information, I’m sure, but I was more interested in what “Doctor” and “Intern” were discussing. Result? I didn’t hear all of either conversation. Swell.
I asked how big the incisions were and the team informed me that they don’t really refer to them as “incisions”, per se. They prefer to call them “nicks”. Tiny, little holes through which they perform, what “Doctor” likes to call, keyhole surgery. Clever “Doctor”.
A short while later…
Doctor: “Well, um… I seems to be running out of things to do down here.”
Steelie: “Is that a bad thing?”
Doctor: “No. It means we’re almost done.”
Funny “Doctor”.
So, now I sit/lay on the couch icing (not the sugary kind) the “bits” — twenty minutes on, forty minutes off — playing on the computer. I’m a bit achy but, so far, the most pain is coming from the incisions — they burn a bit.
Sorry, I gotta cut this short suddenly but I’ll update more later.
I’m sure you’re all just thrilled.
—
steelie
I'm the most insensitive person on earth, but something about this whole thing strikes me as incredibly funny. 😀
Well I'm glad to hear that things are well! I've been thinking about you but certain at the same time that things would go well. And it sounds as if they did. Humor never hurts anything, even surgery discomfort! Regardless, you must be glad that it's over and done with and there's not more anticipation of what the surgery and recovery would be like. On the bright side, it's summer (although I hear not that hot there) so the ice might be welcome in face of the heat! Think of it as a an "iced drink" for your "parts"…!
You are so funny. Although I'm sorry about the discomfort/constant icing/etc.
But seriously. I wouldn't have been able to carry on a conversation at all, much less make jokes…I'd have been counting the seconds till I could escape and hope nobody in that room ever saw me again. 🙂
Glad you're on the mend!
Jared: No worries… glad I could make you smile. I’m kinda aching more today than the previous two days but overall, the pain has been relatively easy to deal with. That being said… it did hurt a lot when Baby “X” stepped on the bits this afternoon. Sooooooo glad it wasn’t Little “L”.Semblance: Thanks for the positive thoughts! You know me… couldn’t not break the tension with a bit of humour. ;^) Ya, I’m glad it’s done… but it’s not really over. Apparently, even though the “vas” is severed there is still sperm hanging around and will take up to three months to be gone completely. That being said, you’re right, the having-nothing-to-be-anxious-about is nice.Jen: Thanks… I was expecting to feel the same way going into the operation but I felt remarkably calm. Well… it was weird actually. Mentally I felt completely at ease but at one point during the operation there was a silent moment where nobody spoke and — as calm as I felt — I noticed my heart was racing a bit.Y’know… I have a feeling, as my luck goes, I’ll probably run into “Intern” at some point and get to experience all the awkwardness I had previously managed to deflect. Yup. That sounds about right.